Griffins' Fairy Tales
by TourmalineTrue
Summary: Parodies of fairy tales featuring the Family Guy cast.


**Disclaimer: I do not, never have, and never will own Family Guy.**

**Story 1: Cinder Peter**

**(sorry for the pathetically unoriginal title)**

**Cast:**

Cinder Peter- Peter (who else?)

Ugly Stepsibling- Chris and Meg

Evil Stepfather- Stewie

King & Queen of the Kingdom of Quahog- Carter and Barbara Pewterschmidt

Princess Lois- Lois, obviously

Fairy dogfather- Brian

Footmen- Cleveland and Quagmire

Coachman- Joe

_Scene 1: A majestic castle. King Carter calls Princess Lois to the throne room, needing to speak with her on a matter of utmost importance. He sits proudly atop a gold-and-jewel-encrusted throne as his daughter enters, clad in a beautiful medieval-style gown._

**Princess Lois: **Yes, Daddy? You wanted to see me?

**King Carter: **Indeed I did! Young lady, the time has come for me to hand down a very serious ultimatum. As you are well aware, this is the Middle Ages, and the fact that your mother's and my lives have extended this far is nothing short of incredible. We are way past our life expectancy, but we cannot expect our good luck to continue forever. I would like to see my grandchildren before I die. Hence, I have decided that you must marry immediately!

**Princess Lois: **(shocked): Marry?! But I don't even have anybody in mind!

**King Carter: **Then you'd better _get_ somebody in mind! Otherwise I'll force you into an arranged marriage with Sir Bill Gates.

(_Bill Gates emerges from around a corner, giving a shy yet hopeful wave and grinning geekily.)_

**Sir Bill Gates: **Wow!If I'm married to a princess, that means I'll finally be able to finance my research for Windows! (_he walks up to an ordinary window and taps very lightly on the glass, which promptly shatters.)_ Oh, rats! You see, these are no good!

**King Carter: **Bill, sweep that up!

**Sir Bill Gates: **(sighs) Yes, Your Majesty.

**King Carter: **(to Lois) Anyway, back to the subject at hand. You _shall_ marry, Lois, and soon! Look here, I'll make you a deal- we'll host a grand ball at the castle next week and invite all the eligible gentlemen of the Kingdom of Quahog. If by the end of the evening you have found a husband, your engagement will be announced forthwith. If not, well, (_jerking a thumb toward Bill, sweeping up the glass)_ be prepared to spend your life with a sniveling little nerd who'll contribute far more to the financial wellbeing of the peasants than they deserve.

**Princess Lois: **Wait a minute, you expect to find someone to _marry _within the course of _one_ evening? That's crazy!

**King Carter: **(soothingly) Oh, come on now, sweetie, just wear that one very tight dress that really shows off your knockers and I'm sure you'll be bound to attract someone.

_Scene 2: In the kitchen of a manor house, a fat man dressed in rags dozes in the blackened soot before the fire. This is Cinder Peter. Suddenly, a door flies open and an extremely short nobleman enters, scowling heavily. This is his Evil Stepfather._

**Evil Stepfather: **(angrily, with hands on hips) WAKE UP! Wake up, I say! Lazy ignoramus! (kicks Cinder Peter full in the head)

**Cinder Peter: **(rubbing at his head) Ow! What the hell?!

**Evil Stepfather: **The insolence you exhibit is staggering! When your miserable crone of a mother met her demise, I should have simply thrown you out into the streets, instead of keeping you here as an unpaid, ill-treated house worker! Where is my breakfast, you fat bastard?

**Cinder Peter: **(clambering to his feet, stuttering nervously) S-sorry, Mr. Evil Stepfather, Sir. I'll, I'll just get that started right away. _(He begins busying himself about the kitchen.)_

_(Chris enters.)_

**Chris: **(excitedly waving a scroll around) Dad! We've been invited to a party at the royal palace!

**Evil Stepfather: **Let me see that! _(snatches the scroll from his son)_

_(Enter Meg, looking dejected)_

**Meg: **Big deal. _I _don't get to go. _(crosses her arms over her chest, pouting)_

**Evil Stepfather: **(looking up from reading) Hmm? And why is that?

**Meg: **It's for men only!

**Evil Stepfather: **(blinks) I fail to see the problem…hmmm. Men only, do you say? Well, perhaps then I might be prevailed upon to attend.

**Chris: **It's to find a husband for the Princess Lois, Dad.

**Evil Stepfather: **(talking to Chris and Meg) Aha! Then _you two_ must go as well! I can see it now, one of _my children_, consort to the Princess Lois! A member of the royal family! A prince!

**Meg: **(exasperated) For the last time, I am not a man!

**Chris: **(sarcastic) _Sure _you aren't.

**Evil Stepfather: **(to Meg) You're close enough. There's no need, after all, for Her Highness to find out until the wedding night, and by then it'll be too late.

**Cinder Peter: **(serving the family their breakfasts) I saw Princess Lois being driven out in her carriage one day when I was at the market. _(sighs dreamily) _She was the loveliest creature I'd ever beheld!

**Meg: **Who cares what you think? _You're_ not going, lard ass.

**Evil Stepfather: **(laughing) Oh, can you imagine? Cinder Dick at the ball?

_(The Evil Stepfather, Chris, and Meg all dissolve into mocking laughter as Cinder Peter runs from the room, distraught.)_

_Scene 3: It is later in the evening, and Cinder Peter is in his favorite spot, on a stool by the fireplace, moping._

**Cinder Peter: **(sadly, to himself) Oh, man. Why did my Evil Stepfather have to forbid me to go to the ball tonight? I cook and clean and slave away in this house all day, Lord knows I could use a night out! And I wanna meet Princess Lois! I just know that she's my soul mate.

_(With a 'pop' a dog with wings in a glittery periwinkle colored costume appears)_

**Cinder Peter**: (giving his flamboyant appearance the once-over) Uh, if you're a friend of my stepfather's, he's getting ready to leave for a party.

**Fairy Dogfather: **(confused) What? No. Peter, I'm your fairy dogfather. I'm here to make sure you get to the ball at the palace tonight.

**Cinder Peter: **But my evil stepfather said I'm not allowed to go!

**Fairy Dogfather: **I know. But I also know that you really want to go, because you wished so hard for it that you summoned me here.

**Cinder Peter: **How is that possible?!

**Fairy Dogfather: **(sighs) I, uh, look man, don't ask me, I'm your frickin' fairy dogfather and I don't even _believe _in magic. Just trust me, this is how these things work.

(_All of a sudden, the door to kitchen sings open and the Evil Stepfather enters, all decked out for the ball.)_

**Evil Stepfather: **(looking around him in surprise) Hello, what's this? You have company, Cinder Dick? Since when are you permitted to entertain guests?

(_Cinder Peter stammers around fretfully)_

**Fairy Dogfather: **Uh, I just popped in here to ask directions, I'm leaving now. _(Makes for the door)_

**Evil Stepfather: **Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Just…hang on a minute. _(smiles seductively at the fairy dogfather) _Love the outfit. You know, I was planning on going to this little soiree at the royal palace tonight, if you're…if you're, uh, going (_twirling a strand of hair about his finger and flirtatiously batting his eyelashes)_, you'd be more than welcome to hitch a ride in _our_ carriage…

**Fairy Dogfather: **(uncomfortably) Um…no thank you.

**Evil Stepfather: **(shrugs) Oh, well. Too bad. _(He turns to leave.) _Don't wait up.

_Scene 4: Cinder Peter and his Fairy Dogfather are standing outside the manor house._

**Fairy Dogfather: **Okay, first thing we gotta do is get you some new clothes.

_(He waves his magic wand, and suddenly Peter goes from wearing rags to being richly and stylishly dressed)_

**Cinder Peter: **(delighted) Whoa-ho! Fan-_cy_!

**Fairy Dogfather: **Now, let's see…you'll need some sort of transportation to get to the ball.

_(He waves his wand again, and a lavish carriage appears, but it is attached to the back of a wheelchair, in which sits Joe the Coachman.)_

**Cinder Peter: **Hey, why's it being pulled by a guy in a wheelchair?

**Joe: **Because a man's gotta work and I'M TEN TIMES STRONGER THAN A DAMN TEAM OF HORSES!

**Cinder Peter: **Okay, then.

**Fairy Dogfather: **And if you want to pass yourself off as a peer of the realm, you'll have to be accompanied by a couple footmen. _(he spies two common field mice nearby; one is a plump black one eating a berry, the other is thin and has a dark spot on top of his head, like hair on a human. He is humping a female mouse. The fairy dogfather catches him and the black mouse, waving his wand at them. They become human.)_

**Cleveland: **Glen, what the hell happened to us?

**Quagmire: **(to the dogfather) Hey, magic man. Do you think next time you could possibly effect a change like that when I'm post-orgasm?

**Fairy Dogfather: **(dryly) I'll try. Now get a move on! You've only got until midnight to enjoy the ball. After that, everything will transform back to normal.

_Scene 5: At the ball. In an enormous ballroom, replete with luxury and splendor, men crowd together, waiting for a chance to dance with Princess Lois. Some also dance with her ladies in waiting, and the King and Queen have taken to the floor._

**King Carter: **Can you see her? Who's she dancing with now?

**Queen Barbara: **(craning her neck to see) I don't know, I've never seen him before in my life. He appears to be quite a robust young man, however.

_(We see know that Princess Lois is dancing with Meg)_

**Meg: **(annoyed) Listen, Your Majesty, I'm sorry, but I just can't do this!

**Princess Lois: **What is it? Are you gay or something? _(She nods understandingly.) _I thought you seemed kind of androgynous.

**Meg: **(giddy) Seriously?! That's the nicest thing anybody's ever said to me! But yeah, I'm just not interested.

_(Cinder Peter approaches, having overheard.)_

**Cinder Peter: **Is that so? Well, if that's the case, then this is what I think of your taste in chicks. _(He grabs Meg's face, shoves it under his butt, and farts. She shrieks and runs away. Turning to Lois, he extends his hand.) _Care to dance, Your Majesty?

**Princess Lois: **With pleasure!

_(Peter and Lois dance, staring intensely into each other's starry eyes. They are falling in love. After a few dances, they make their way onto an outside terrace to be alone.)_

**Princess Lois: **Thank you so much for rescuing me earlier. All the guys at this thing are so boring! Except you. I'm so glad you came tonight! But…I don't even know your name.

**Cinder Peter: **Oh, my family calls me Cinder Peter.

**Princess Lois: **(snorts, and then breaks out into raucous laughter) Wha-_what? _That's the worst freakin' name I've ever heard! _(she laughs for about another minute, then her giggles taper off) _I'll just call you Peter.

**Peter: **(_suggestively) _Well, you _can _put another adjective before 'Peter' if you want. Like…

(_He doesn't finish his sentence, because he spots the clock tower in town square in the distance. It's five minutes until midnight!)_

**Peter: **Oh my God! I've gotta go!

**Princess Lois: **(baffled) W-why?

**Peter: **(impatient) It's almost midnight!

**Princess Lois: **So what?! What does _that_ mean?

**Peter: **(hopping from foot to foot, looking deeply awkward) Well, uh, Lois, at- at midnight…I turn back into, ah, _(sighs)_ me. I mean, _this_, what you see in front of you, isn't who I really am. _(He stops hopping and instead settles for wringing his hands.)_

**Princess Lois: **(at once bewildered and suspicious) What are you talking about?! What, are you- are you really some kinda swamp monster or something? _(slaps herself on the forehead) _God Lois, you sure know how to pick 'em!

**Peter: **No, no! Nothing like that. I'm just…poor. A lowly servant in my stepfather's home.

**Princess Lois: **Oh, is _that_ all? _(she laughs) _Peter, I don't care about that! I fell in love with you the moment you swept me into your arms out on the dance floor. I want to marry you!

**Peter: **(incredulous, but joyful) You mean it? _(seeing Princess Lois smile and nod once, he kisses her passionately. As they embrace, the clock strikes midnight, and he is suddenly in his peasant clothing again) _Oh, Lois! I love you, too. And hey- holy crap, I'm going to be a prince!

_(Peter runs back inside, finds his Evil Stepfather, and punches him)_

**Peter: **Yeeeaaah, in your freakin' face!

**The End**


End file.
